About Depression

This is the kind of post I'm never sure if I'm supposed to put in my blog. 

But aren't those the most important posts?

I've never talked about this to many people. It makes me quite uncomfortable to be honest, and I always fear that people are going to think I'm an attention seeker.

But. maybe, that's the main reason why I ought to talk about it, as openly as I can, in my blog. So that people who are struggling know that they're not alone - even though they may feel as if they're stuck in a dark and deep pit; so that they know that it's okay to ask for help to climb out of it.

As I have said in previous posts, I'm generally a happy and bubbly person. Truth is: I haven't always been like this, and I'm still not like this all the time. Sometimes it's just easier to appear so.

(I'm not complaining about my life - I have a great one. I am incredibly blessed to be close to my family and friends, to have my lovely boyfriend, to be studying in the best university of my country, to be pursuing my dream)

But depression is not about ungratefulness.

It all started in middle school. I was called lots of names, 'nerd' and 'fat' being the most common ones. One day, a guy told me I was the ugliest girl in class to my face. I lost many, many friends through the way as they seeked for 'cooler' people (I know how stupid that sounds now, but it mattered then!). There were also failed crushes on boys and an overall feeling of not being good enough.

And I started drifting away. That's how I can best describe it. I was completely detached from reality.
I put on a happy face whenever I came home, so that no one would know I was struggling. I either avoided all social contact, or craved people's absolute attention.

Thankfully, my best friends noticed it. They were always worried about me, in a way that 13-year-olds should never have to worry about anyone. They made sure I knew I was good and loved even though I didn't believe them.
I'll never be able to thank them enough. I don't know if I could have got better without them.

I only started getting better when I changed to high school. I met new people and felt way more accepted and free to be myself than before. That kind of freedom allowed me to release my true self instead of pretending all the time or stepping away from all the experiences I was supposed to be having. I'm so glad I met my group of friends back then, because they had such a big impact in my life and I am so grateful for them!

However, getting better doesn't mean being completely okay all the time.
Sometimes, waves of uncontrollable sadness and loneliness still rush over me, and I can't help it. In those times, I feel like a complete mess, I feel like if I disappeared it wouldn't matter to anyone. I feel like people in my life don't deserve a wreck like me.

Some days ago, it happened, and I told my boyfriend about it. It made it so much better to know he didn't think I was seeking for attention; instead, he understood. I'm so glad he did.

Right now, I thank God that I have people to run to when I'm depressed. Even though that little voice in my head may tell me I'm alone, I have people who prove I'm not.

If you feel alone, please, know that you're not.
And if you're struggling with depression, PLEASE seek for help! I didn't and it was complete rubbish. It's a flaw in chemistry, not in character, and it can be treated!

What are your thoughts on this?

love,
Mariana